penny reading

where nickle-and-dime is over-budget

Category Archives: helas

a zoo of one’s own

today i almost broke down and adopted a puppy. technically, almost adopted two different puppies, the first a husky (12:08 pm) and the second a golden lab (12:13 pm).

i’m looking for something soft and cuddly and warm and nonhuman. i’m making do for now with a pillow and a radiator, but a pair of big, brown sentient eyes and a tongue that tells me “you taste just fine” without also getting into the minutiae of thoughts and feelings and opinions would be more than a little bit nice right now.

i don’t really believe in pets anymore. and i certainly don’t believe in purposely breeding purebreds to fill some aesthetic desire among us, the less than purely bred. and i really, truly don’t believe in supporting the meat industry by feeding an innocent creature the offal deemed unfit for human consumption, especially given how low that latter standard is. add to that the facts that my apartment is small and, were the animal to fall ill, my bank account would be less than accommodating, and i’ve got just the start of an effectively sobering list telling me not to subject a creature who can’t say fuck you, open the door and walk out to life with me.

the problem with writing is that to get to the positive feedback, you have to swim through a deluge of negative reactions. or maybe that’s the problem with life. my dear ones remind me of the rational reasons to not give up/feel sorry for myself/quit, which essentially boil down to the fact that having received any attention at all as a know-nothing freelancer just out of school is remarkable. and sure, it is. i had told myself not to expect anything, and nine months later i’ve won one prize and been longlisted for another. but spread out the gratification for long enough, use it to plaster enough wounds, and it starts to get awfully thin and seem awfully ineffective. tonight is not a night of great confidence; it is a night when i wish i were irresponsible enough to be as selfish as i want to be and herd in an arkful of animals who will bark and meow and coo and see no god but me. and i will stroke their fur and call them good.

%d bloggers like this: